Cancel your New Year’s Eve festivities, Saudi religious police warn

[RT] Saudi Arabia’s religious authorities have warned would-be revelers against celebrating New Year’s Eve in the predominantly Sunni Muslim kingdom of 30 million people, local media

The warning was delivered by the Commission of the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice (CPVPV), the government agency that employs “religious police” or Mutawa to enforce Sharia Law inside the Islamic nation.

The CPVPV based its warning on a religious edict handed down from the elite committee of Saudi clerics that forbids such celebrations, the local Okaz daily reported.

Saudi Arabia follows the Muslim lunar calendar, unlike all other Gulf states that use the Gregorian calendar.

While on patrol, the Mutawa enforce a number of rules, which include checking that women wear the abaya, a black, robe-like dress, enforcing the no-driving rule for females, and ensuring that drugs are not being traded.

The religious police also forbid the sale of red roses and gifts for Valentine’s Day on February 14.

In November, Mutawa arrested two men in the capital of Riyadh for offering free hugs. Reportedly, the police reacted to the complaints of local families and individuals about the men’s actions. The two had to sign a pledge that they would not offer free hugs ever again.

One thought on “Cancel your New Year’s Eve festivities, Saudi religious police warn




    The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops – a talking Muslim doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the balls to pull the cord!

    Q. How do you separate Muslim Men from Muslim Boys?
    A. With a crowbar.

    Q. What do you call a Muslim with half a brain?
    A. Gifted.

    How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. Their faith doesn’t allow change.

    A Muslim walks into a welfare office with a filthy parrot on his shoulder. The parrot’s feathers are falling off, its beak is broken, and it looks to have been horribly injured.
    The social worker looks in disgust and asks, “Oh my God, where did you get that ugly thing?”
    The parrot replies, “Pakistan.”

    Q: What are the three greatest lies?
    1. I’m from the government, I’m here to help you.

    2. The cheque is in the mail.

    3. Islam is the religion of peace.
    Two Muslim men are sitting on a park bench when an 8-year-old walks past, and one turns to the other and says, “Wow, I bet she was hot in her day.”
    Q: What’s the ugliest thing on a 6 year old Muslim girl?
    A: Her husband.
    Q: What do Muslim men think is the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?
    A: There’s 20 of them.
    Q: Why did the prophet Mohammed (PBUH) go to kindergarten when he was 52 years old?
    A: To pick up his wife.

    Q: A car full of Pakistanis and a car full of Somalis are racing down a hill. They both fall off a cliff at the same time, who wins?
    A: Civilization.
    Q: How come most unmarried Muslim men do not use condoms?
    A: Little boys can’t get pregnant.
    Q: Why are Muslims always in a bad mood?
    A: Because suicide belts chafe.
    You might be a Taliban if you’d rather have your daughter raped than have an education.
    Q; What’s the difference between a Muslim and a bag of dogpoop?
    A: The bag of dogpoop doesn’t smell as bad.
    Q: Why do Muslims smell worse than dogpoop?
    A: So blind people can hate them too.
    Q: What should I do about the Muslim hanging out in my back yard?
    A: Cut him down from the tree.
    Abdul goes to a local Burger King and asks for 2 Whoppers, the cashier says, “Mohammed was not a bloodthirsty pedophile and Islam is a religion of peace.”
    Q: What did Mohammed say to his father-in-law when Aisha turned 10?
    A: I’ll swap you a ten for two fives.
    Q: What did the judge say when the Fort Hood shooter’s lawyer brought up the insanity plea?
    A: Yes, we all know he is a Muslim, what else have you got?
    Supposedly they are making land mines now that look like prayer mats. I hear prophets are going through the roof.
    So I read this headline in a UK paper: “Pakistani men target young white girls for sex” Can you really blame them? Have you SEEN Pakistani women?

    A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, “That’s a docile old thing isn’t it?”

    “No way,” said the zoo keeper, “it’s the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Muslim into the cage and completely devoured him.”

    “Hardly seems possible” said the astonished visitor, “but why is it lying there licking its arse?”

    “The poor thing is trying to get the bad taste out of its mouth.”

    A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A Muslim cleric approaches and says, “My child, why are you so upset?”

    The little girl turns to him and says, “My mommy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there.”

    The imam slowly looks around him, lifts his robe and while unraveling his loincloth says, “It’s just not your day, is it?”

    A Muslim farmer walks into his wife’s bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,

    “Just wanted to show you the pig I’ve been screwing behind your back.”

    The wife says, “that’s not a pig you fool, its a sheep.”

    The Muslim farmer says, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

    Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
    A. Bisexual.
    Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?
    A. They mark the camels that kick.
    Q. What do Tehran and Hiroshima have in common?
    A. Nothing, yet.
    Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
    A. A pimp.
    Q. whats the difference between a truck full of dead Muslim babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
    A. The bowling bowls are hard to pick up with a pitchfork.
    Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
    A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
    Q. What’s the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
    A. Suppressing the erection.
    Q: How can you tell if a Muslim girl is old enough to marry?
    A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she’s old enough. If it isn’t, cut the barrel down until her chin is over the top.
    Q. What’s the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
    A. At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.
    A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.
    “What are you so happy about, Abdul?” Asks the Imam.
    “Well, I’ll tell you,” replies Abdul. “I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised – we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!”
    “By the most Merciful,” exclaimed the Imam, “you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?”
    Abdul grimaced, “By the Jinn, I do not know – I never found her head.”

    Q. What’s the difference between ET and Muslims?
    A. ET got the point and went home.
    I went to a Muslim birthday party last night. Damn if that wasn’t the fastest game of Hot Potato I’ve ever seen!
    Q. Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Muslim funeral?
    A. There’s only 2 handles on a garbage can.
    Q. What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas?
    A. A quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of Marlboros please.
    Q. What do you call a bus with 2 Somalis falling off a cliff?
    A. A waste, you could have fit at least 50 in the bus!
    Q. What do you call a Muslim between two houses?
    A. Ali.
    Q. When’s the only time you should wink at a Muslim?
    A. When aiming.
    Reports say the stench from the thousands of bodies in Pakistan is unbearable. Police report that it’s likely to get worse now that there are dead ones.
    Q. What can Saudi Arabia do to raise the average IQ in the country?
    A. Allow Jews to come in.
    A Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on a train.
    The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, “There’s plenty more of that where I come from.”
    Everyone is impressed. The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, “There’s plenty more of those where I come from.”
    Again everyone is rather impressed. So the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.

    Q: Where do you find a Muslim with no legs?
    A: Right where you left him.
    Q: What’s the difference between Dar al-islam and Dannon yogurt?
    A: The yogurt has a living culture.
    OK, to be equally offensive to Jews, just to be fair:
    Q. How was copper wire invented?
    A. Once, two Jews grabbed the same penny…
    “A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide…. The librarian recommends the Quran.”
    This is patently untrue. Libraries do not lend books to Muslims on how to do suicide bombings, no one brings the books back.
    Q: Give an alternate book title for “Religion for dummies”?
    A: The Quran.
    I used to go out with a Muslim woman but her views on suicide bombing were too much to take. She eventually went off with someone else.
    A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, “I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?”

    “It was,” replied the local, “But that all changed with the war.”

    “How did the war change things?” The journalist enquired.

    The local replied, “Land mines.”
    Abdul: “Mahmood, I don’t like the way you drive.”
    Mahmood: “OK, I’ll hold the detonator and you drive.”
    Q: “Hey I heard you went to a Muslim wedding, how was it?”
    A: “It was a blast.”
    A Muslim wife has just given birth to a little girl.
    The father asks the doctor how long it will be before he can have sex.
    The doctor says, “For f*k’s sake, Abdul, at least wait until she can walk.”
    Q: What’s the worst thing about arranged marriages in Islam?
    A: No matter who you get, you still end up with a Muslim.
    Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church, but only the caretaker was there.

    One said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”

    “Sure,” said the caretaker. He took them into the toilets and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time, then said, “Right, all done, now out you go and play.”

    When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?”

    The oldest one said, “We’re not Christians, because they usually pour water three times on your forehead, and we’re not Jehovah’s Witnesses because they put all of you in.”

    The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”

    “Yes,” they replied. “What do you think it means?”

    He replied, “I think it means we’re… Muslims.”
    Many people are not aware that many Muslims were mistreated by Nazis during the war: they were not given the medals they deserved for helping wipe out the Jews.
    Q: How many Muslims can you fit on a Boeing 747?
    A: Who cares – as long as they leave.
    I went to a Muslim strip club last week, everyone was chanting “show us your face”.
    I feel bad for Muslims who bury their daughters for dishonoring the family; it must be tough still having them under foot.
    Now that Michael Jackson is a Muslim, he can’t be prosecuted for paedophilia.
    A Muslim father is in the bath with his 3-year-old son.
    Child: “Daddy, why is my willy different from yours?”
    Father: “Well son, for a start, yours isn’t erect.”
    A Muslim paedophile and a small child are walking through the woods. It’s very stormy, with lightning spearing the sky and crashing thunder. The child looks up at the Muslim and says “I’m scared”.

    The Muslim says, “You think you’ve got it bad? I’ve got to walk back on my own!”
    A new poll just came out in Pakistan: 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
    I hear there’s a document published with the names of people that are racists and bigots. These people want to spread hatred and terror throughout the world. The name of the document? The Quran.
    Q: What do you call a Muslim desperate for a drink?
    A: Allah Vabeer
    I know what you are thinking, that Muslims don’t drink alcohol; but as I reported in my post What Muslims do when they need a drink, most Muslims cheat.
    A popular bar in Bahrain had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.

    A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “what’s your IQ?” The man replied, “140.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.

    Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “what’s your IQ?” The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.

    A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “what’s your IQ?” The man replied, “65.” The robot then said, “so, how are things in Saudi Arabia these days?”
    Little Ahmed: “Ema, ema, can I lick the bowl clean?”
    Mother: “No, just flush it like everyone else.”
    Q: What do you do if you see five Muslims up to their waists in concrete?
    A: Pour more concrete.
    Q: What did God say after creating Muslims?
    A: “I can do better.”
    Hey, I get why Muslims carry out terrorist attacks: they’re promised 72 virgins when they go to heaven. What I don’t understand is what’s in it for those virgins; here’s what they’re told: “You be a good little girl, always wear a burka, always wear a veil. You cannot go to school, get a job, learn to read, vote, drive, dance, play games or listen to music. You must live a life of absolute humility and celibacy. Then when you die you will go to heaven… where you will be raped by evil terrorists and be their sex slave for the rest of eternity.”
    Q: Muslim women think about having children. What do Muslim men think about?
    A: Screwing children.
    Q: How are young Muslim children just like Americans born after WWII?
    A: They’re both baby-boomers.
    Q: How do you get rid of the red spot on a Pakistani’s head?
    A: Switch off the laser-sight on your gun. [In actual fact that red spot, known as a Bindi is not a Muslim thing, it’s Hindu – but we need it for the joke]
    Barack Obama and Gordon Brown were recently shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

    Obama goes first: “What will the USA be like in 100 years time”

    The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out “The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

    Gordon Brown thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks “What will Britain be like in 100 years time?”

    The machine whirrs, beeps, spits and coughs and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.

    “Come on Gordon” asks Obama, “What does it say?”

    “I can’t read it – It’s all in Arabic!”
    It’s easy to understand suicide bombers. It’s the only real choice: to live your entire life as a Muslim or blow-up; a no-brainer when you come down to it.
    Apparently, sniffer dogs can no longer sniff Muslims at airports any more because they believe they are dirty, unclean animals. I agree with the sniffer dogs.
    Q: What’s the difference between a Muslim woman and a basketball team?
    A: The basketball team showers after four periods.
    An Englishman, a Muslim and an African-American are in a hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth.

    There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

    “There’s just one problem,” she says. “Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?”

    The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies. Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby.

    “Yes, this is definitely my baby,” he says confidently.

    “Um, excuse me,” says the African-American, “but I think it’s fairly obvious that this is my son.”

    The Englishman pulls him aside and says, “I see where you’re coming from mate, but one of these babies is Muslim and I’m not prepared to take the risk”.
    Q: How do you stop an Egyptian tank?
    A: Shoot the bastards pushing it.
    Q: What’s the difference between an onion and a Muslim wife?
    A: The husband cries when he cuts up an onion.
    Q: How does a Muslim get his wife pregnant?
    A: He rapes her.

    Gays in Iran

    Q: What do you call two gay Muslims in Iran?
    A: Dead.
    A British Scientist is giving a lecture, and and announces his findings: “Well, after a long and careful study of Earth’s movements and extrapolating them over the next six months, we have some rather shocking findings. There is some bad news and some good news.

    The scientist continues, “Well, we have looked at this in great detail, and it appears that these plate movements will cause massive Earthquakes, which will greatly affect Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and the Middle East. In six months time over 50,000,000 Muslims might have been left homeless, starving and even dead. The situation will make it impossible for many people in affected areas to leave the country, too, meaning that individuals won’t be able to find refuge in other nations.”

    The scientist looks at the crowd – they look horrified – he then says, “and the bad news is, it looks like this years FA cup final might have to be cancelled.”
    Q: How can you tell if a Muslim woman has committed suicide?
    A: There are 50 stab wounds in her back.
    Q: In Islam what is that useless bit of flesh around a vagina called?
    A: A woman.
    Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 25.
    3 to puzzle over the technology of a light bulb while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, 3 to think more about it while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, 3 to think really, really hard about how a light bulb works while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, then 3 Muslims to decide that light bulbs are an evil infidel technology, four Muslims to destroy the light bulb, 2 to kill the people who sold the light bulb, 3 to kill everyone at the light bulb factory and three Muslims to blow themselves up when the ambulances come to tend the wounded. Finally, the 25th Muslim has to jump up and down screaming about how Islam is a religion of peace and tolerance.
    Q: What does a Muslim do when the dishwasher stops working?
    A: He smacks her across the face.
    The best thing about being a Muslim is the fact that no one can see the marks on your wife after you’ve beaten her.
    Sometimes one can’t hide the marks. The founder of the first US cable television network aimed at dispelling the notion that Islam is savage, primitive, or violent has been arrested and charged with beheading his wife. Sometimes Muslims, just by being Muslims, write their own jokes.
    The capital of Pakistan is Islamabad. The clue is in the name folks.
    I just bought a new Muslim extremist calculator. It multiplies for years then f*king explodes!
    Q: What is the difference between a roll of toilet paper and the Quran?
    A: One is great for wiping your butt and the other comes in 1- and 2-ply.

    A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: “To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers.”

    The son looks at his father and asked: “Dad, what are the Twin Towers?”

    Father says: “My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that were the heart of the United States, but 50 years ago, a group of Muslims destroyed the buildings.”

    The boy thinks for a minute and then asks his father: “Daddy, what are Muslims?”

    Let me tell you how we learn what Islam means:
    When we hear bombs, we hear Islam.
    When we see women dressed in black sacks, we see Islam.
    When we learn of amputations and stoning, we learn about Islam.
    When we read about sexism and homophobia, we read about Islam.
    When we face animalists, anger and greed for power, we face Islam.
    When we smell death, we smell Islam.
    When we hear Muslims say peace, we know they mean war.
    Islam is just one big F-ALLAH-CY!

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